Life at Star's Rest

2009-12-16T06:39:00.000-08:00

My rear is dragging...

I know that pristine slopes of white, powdery snow looks like heaven to skiers and folks who live in the south. But I tell you, living in it on a daily basis loses the romance pretty quickly.

This storm was bad enough to have Mora County declared a disaster area due to snow and wind taking roofs off of houses, taking down power lines and leaving roads covered in drifts as much as five feet deep. We had two feet of snow up here but our blessed location gives us shelter from the wind. I stayed up here three days and was shocked when I went down the first time to see the damage and the drifts. Once again I said a prayer of thanks that our little sheltered space keeps us safe from those high winds.

The water hydrant we use to fill up our holding tank was so deeply buried in snow that I couldn't see it, much less find it. And between the snow plows and the drifts, there was no way I could get close to it either. That means our holding tank is pretty low. Fortunately, we have finally warmed up again and tomorrow I will be able to get us filled up with water again.

My wonderful chiropractor, who is also certified to work on animals, will be coming up today to work on me, the greyhounds and Brillo. It's a wonderful thing because the weather has kept me away from both chiropractic and acupuncture for over a month. I took a really hard fall on the ice Monday night, landing full force on a big pointed rock. I was so tired I just laid there for a few minutes screaming and cursing. Once I got that out of my system, I assessed the damage and fortunately I landed on the rock on the meaty portion of my thigh so aside from being incredibly sore and stiff, nothing was broken.

He is becoming such a lovely horse!

We have determined that Brillo's clubby right front foot is due to suprascapular nerve damage in that shoulder. Horses don't have collar bones so they have thick muscle tissue that holds their shoulder blades in place. This kind of damage occurs when the leg is fully weighted and slips backwards, damaging the nerve that feeds the muscle. The muscle begins to atrophy turning it into something more like ligament tissue. He is completely sound but his range of motion has been restricted causing his hoof to compensate.

No more boney hips or ribs!

The good news is that with chiropractic, massage and stretching, much of his flexibility should be able to be restored and natural hoof form along with it. I'm going to keep a record of the whole process and will post it on the Wild Hearts blog.

So that's what's up here. I'm tired, sore, but recovering and looking forward to some warm days to get everything caught up again. Mike is still in Mexico and won't be home till the 30th and we will share Christmas with each other then. Progress continues on turning the yurt into a fully civilized space and I am so looking forward to having our lovely home finally finished and comfortable!

2009-12-08T11:07:00.000-08:00

An El Nino Winter.

The last time we went through an El Nino winter was the year we moved into the yurt. That was a rough year. It seemed like it never stopped snowing and there were none of those lovely breaks in between where it warmed up. That was before we had the wood stove and we put on more clothes to go to bed at night than we wore during the day.

We had a new storm move in yesterday afternoon that left nearly two feet of snow by morning. It hasn't been overly cold, but now the wind is blowing which means the trees are pelting us with snowballs. I'm pretty darned tired. Just dragging myself through that much snow to feed the horses is wearing me out.

Mike asked me to take photos so he could show his co-workers in Mexico what real snow is like, so here they are...

Duffy kindly posed in front of the yurt.

Snowy yurt in the sun.

Two of three snow covered trucks.

Blowing snow over the arena.

Coli breaking trail through the snow. She is so happy about the snow that she can hardly stand herself.

Here she comes!

There she goes!

The Search and Rescue Team.

Corazon in blowing snow.

Brillo is managing the snow very well. He was so warm under his blanket that I took it off shortly after I took this.

Mio, the Desert Horse, is not at all happy with the winter conditions.

And now, after checking the horses one more time, I am going to take a nap.

2009-12-05T13:13:00.000-08:00

The Sunday Brillo update on Saturday!

That bright blue halter was actually Valeroso's. Mike thought Brillo should have a brightly colored halter and this was the brightest I could find!

Why? Because his new hoof boots arrived and he was doing so well I decided today was the day for him to join his herd!!!

Exploring his new world.

Look at that lovely trot made possible by his new boots!

Yippee! Freedom!

Life is very, very good!

Playing with the Big Boy...

but don't get too rough!

Freedom...

to make new friends...

to always have plenty to eat...

may you always walk in the light, Brillo.

2009-12-03T09:48:00.000-08:00

What a difference a day makes!!!

Yesterday morning, roses all bedded down in straw for the winter.

This morning...10 degrees, 8 inches and still falling!

I'm glad I had some warning for this storm which gave me enough time to get ready. It went from a high in the 50s to 20 yesterday and I don't think it will get even close to that today. The sun is finally breaking through the clouds which means the temps are going to drop very fast this evening, probably a low near zero tonight.

Even though Brillo has both his fleecy liner and canvas rug on, I was still a little worried about him. As soon as I got up this morning at six, I bundled up and went out to check on everyone. The Wild Boys were covered with snow and ice but seemed content and fine. Brillo's entire face was covered with snow but he was warm under his blankets. Still, I added another fleecy throw over his shoulders and between the liner and the rug. I was worried about him drinking enough water but he has kept a nice hole open in his trough and has taken the level down considerably since last night.

If there is snow on the ground, the Wild Boys will eat that rather than make the trek over to the water trough. I used to worry about it and carry warmed water out for them which they always refused. After eight winters here with them, I just accept that they are absolutely fine!

And of course the dogs think it's just fine out! Dressing them up is like trying to put clothes on fish though, with all of the wiggling and eager squirming. The greyhounds get fleecy turtleneck coats on under their snow coats...one more layer to wrestle on!

And last of all, my one year NED anniversary gift to myself was a new 25 gallon aquarium. I had brought my pond fish in for the winter and put them in a 10 gallon which they very quickly outgrew. Now that it is completely set up, I am loving my new aquarium and so are the fish!

2009-12-02T08:32:00.000-08:00

More! Yes, more Brillo photos!

Ylva asked to see more hoof photos as he progresses in his rehab so I brought Brillo up to the grooming area yesterday. I needed to replace the taped on pad keeping his right foot comfortable and to take photos of his feet after being trimmed for the first time.

He is such a sweet and gentle horse. At one point I was literally kneeling under his belly with the camera trying to get a good well lit shot of his sole and he never moved. You can almost hear him purr when you brush his face and his whole body relaxes with grooming. Since it was a nice day, I took him for a walk after I was done grooming him and taking photos. It was just over to the water trough and back but he really seemed to enjoy it. I'm sure he is feeling better because when I went out to feed last night, he gave a completely airborn buck of joy!

So Ylva, here are the photos of Brillo's poor abused feet after his first barefoot trim! This series is of his left front foot which is the most normal one.

And now his right front which is a clubbed foot, something that often happens in thoroughbred horses and will require a great deal more care.

2009-11-30T17:15:00.000-08:00

More Brillo photos!

'Why is she always pointing that thing at me?'

When I pulled Brillo's blanket off this morning since it was warm and sunny, I couldn't believe how good he looked after not seeing his body in a day and a half! It was like his spine and hip bones disappeared overnight so I had to go out and take some more photos to compare what just three weeks of good food and care can do for a malnourished horse.

Three weeks ago.

This morning.

Three weeks ago.

This morning.

Robin, your foster horse is doing great!

2009-11-29T18:07:00.000-08:00

The Sunday Brillo Update!

Coming up for breakfast.

Even though you can't see it, Brillo is continuing to gain weight steadily and get stronger by the day. Since I knew it was supposed to snow last night, he got to wear his brand new fleecy maroon blanket liner under his green turnout rug. He was toasty warm this morning when I went out to feed.

I figured I better get a photo of his new blanket before it got dirty.

On Saturday our barefoot trimmer came out and took Brillo's shoes off and gave him his first trim. His right front foot is clubbed and a real mess that is going to be a long, slow rehab for him. I'm including one photo that will make sense to people who know about horses' hooves and what a natural hoof should look like. This is a long, long way from natural but hopefully, the mountain will work its magic on Brillo's feet too.

Brillo is continuing to be a sweetheart and was very good about the trimming even though some of it was uncomfortable for him. He has new boots ordered and as soon as they come in and he feels more comfortable, he gets to go out with the Wild Boys.

2009-11-27T06:38:00.001-08:00

And then there were none.

For several weeks I've been trying to find the time to write about Umber's changing relationship with the herd; but with caring for a new rescue horse and getting everything caught up before Mike returned to work in Mexico, it just hasn't happened.

Of course I have been reading about sheep and one of the things I learned is that cold weather triggers breeding behaviors in order to get those spring lambs who have the best chance of surviving. I was told by a neighbor who raised a breed of sheep similar to churros that Umber would likely become more aggressive during that time and it turns out she was right.

The first indication happened a couple of weeks ago when Umber decided to challenge Corazon. Yes, kind, calm Corazon whose greatest desire as a leader is to have peace in the herd. It happened at feeding time and it was pretty dramatic with Umber charging and butting Corazon from behind, running him around his feeding pen and keeping him away from his food.

Mike and I had to step in and keep Umber driven away from not only Corazon's feeder but Brillo's as well. Finally when the horses finished eating, things settled back down and Umber seemed to have accepted that behavior wouldn't be allowed by us so we went to bring out the hay cart.

I wasn't able to see what happened next but Mike did and told me about it. As the horses gathered around the cart, once again Umber charged Corazon and this time hit him square in the chest. For whatever reason, Corazon had finally had enough and spun and gave Umber two double back kicks in the side, spun again and bit him multiple times while driving him up the slope and that seemed to finally be the end of it.

Unfortunately it wasn't the end of it as Umber continued to mildly harass the herd. It was never the serious head butting again though and we were just watching to see what happened next. In some ways it was actually good because he kept Corazon in particular moving around and often the mild chasing turned into a full blown game of play for the horses. A neighbor commented that Corazon looked like he had lost weight and we were even starting to refer to Umber as our Sheep-ercise Equine Fitness Program.

Then on Wednesday evening as I was feeding while Mike finished packing, Umber decided to challenge the wrong horse. Being a reservation mustang, I'm sure Mio lived around sheep and he has never shared the infatuation that each of the other horses went through with Umber. As I was putting their bucket feed out, I could see that Umber was not letting Mio pass him on one of the upper trails to come in to eat. Normally, Mio is one of the first to be waiting by his feeder so I knew there were problems and stood watching to see if I needed to help.

Mio finally moved up into the rocks and circled around Umber, coming down onto the trail past him and starting in. This seemed to make Umber really angry and he charged and butted Mio from behind causing Mio to let out a warning kick, catching Umber in the shoulder and knocking him back. Umber seemed to be seriously mad then and he charged Mio again at full speed. At the same time, Mio fired with a full force defensive kick. Ram charging at top speed, horse kicking with full strength, both forces meeting at ram's skull.

Umber instantly dropped and seemed to go into a seizure. By the time I got Mio settled with his bucket and could run up the slope, Umber was on his feet but staggering in circles and with his head twisted back to the left. Even in that state he wouldn't let me near him and tried to run each time I got close. I thought it would be best to give him room to see if he would recover with some space and quiet.

He did seem to recover his balance slowly but we couldn't get closer than around ten feet. I could see that he was bleeding from his nose and mouth and Mike said his left eye seemed to be drooping. We watched him as he slowly worked his way up the slope, occasionally staggering and turning in circles, until he finally went under the fence and up into the mountain away from the herd for the first time since the ewes were killed.

It's been almost two days now and there has been no sign of him so I am certain he suffered a fractured skull and some instinct sent him away from the herd to die. There is an abundance of bears in the woods now in these last days before they den for the winter and I don't feel comfortable going up to look for him by myself. Mike said when he gets back home we will go up together to see if we can find his body. If he is dead, his body will provide a feast for large and small predators alike, from coyotes to foxes and even birds. Somehow that seems right and proper as an end and I'm glad I saw how it all happened. Umber was simply being what he was, a ram at breeding season, and Mio was only defending himself.

The herd response has been quite interesting and surprising. Mio has very suddenly been elevated in the herd with even Griton giving him attention and offering play. Previously, Griton at best ignored Mio so this is very unusual behavior for him. But the biggest surprise was how the entire herd broke into extended play as soon as Umber disappeared up the mountain. You could almost hear them singing 'Ding dong the ram is gone...the wicked, wicked ram is gone.' Given how clear they have made their relief, even if by some miracle Umber comes back, the herd has spoken and I will return him to his previous owner.

2009-11-26T06:10:00.000-08:00

Happy Thanksgiving to all!

Have you noticed that, at least for me, when life is going well I'm too busy to write much in my blog? It's kind of a barometer of my life in a way with the ups and downs of posts. Except for the fact that Mike left for Mexico early this morning and will miss both Thanksgiving at home as well as Christmas, life is pretty darned good these days.

I have to smile to myself when people express concern over my being alone for the holidays, the concern needs to be felt for Mike who has to live in extremely stressful conditions away from home. I am here, on this mountain with all of our animals around me which is hardly alone. He is surrounded by people but completely by himself so the concern really belongs to him.

We have weathered some huge crisis this last year and come out the other side better than ever before. Life is good these days. Life is very, very good and I wish you all the same sense of joy and peace that I feel sitting here at Star's Rest in the early morning on this day of giving thanks.

PS - I am also giving thanks that all I have to cook today is a pie. Thanks Carolyn!!!

2009-11-22T19:08:00.000-08:00

The Sunday Brillo Update!

Dusty and dirty from a recent roll in the sand, but a very happy horse becoming more healthy every day.

Brillo has settled into eating more like a normal horse so his rapid weight gain has slowed as well. Right now he is rebuilding muscle tissue and we've increased his proteins and fats to help him to do that. What we are really seeing now is an increase in energy, strength and high spirits. On Saturday we were working with two of the boys down in the arena when wild horse play broke out. Not only did Brillo participate as well as he could stuck in the orchard, he beautifully cantered over some brush piles in perfect hunter form. He's coming along really, really well!

Sweetly peaceful and happy with his world.

Next Saturday he will have his shoes removed and as soon as he feels comfortable with his bare feet, he can go out with the herd. I thought it would take longer, but other than protecting his feet, he is quite sure he is ready.

2009-11-18T06:59:00.000-08:00

A 'Me' update.

This is my new baby Chocolate Rose that is spending the winter being drug in and out of the workshop along with the other babies. Isn't she stunning? And what a delicious fragrance!

Life is so busy this time of year. The days are short and the daily workload increases with nights in the teens and twenties, plus two additional hoofed animals to care for. Also, it seems like there is something scheduled for every day of the week lately. Then there are the holidays rapidly approaching...

Still, I feel blessed and very, very happy. Passing that one year marker was a bigger deal than I realized until I actually passed it. I know it doesn't change anything really, the stats are still the same, yet it makes a difference anyway. Maybe it's just because I can look back at this time last year when I was getting the news that they had found cancer cells in one lymph node, putting me at 'advanced melanoma' and at high risk for recurrence. Now I'm here, one year NED, surgeries behind me, oncology appointments and scans moved farther apart, finally feeling good again.

I'm still tired at the end of a long day of travel or people interaction, but it no longer takes me the entire next day to recover. I can go into town and do the shopping and not need to take a nap as soon as I get back home. I'm actually enjoying seeing people again as well instead of feeling too tired to interact.

Most of all, I just feel good.I know some of it is because I finally have a medication protocol that is keeping nerve pain and sensation almost unnoticeable. That means I rest better and my body isn't in a constant flight state from misfiring nerves. The chronic back pain and sciatica I've dealt with since I was in my twenties has been helped by this as well so I'm moving better too.

Getting Black Horse Design back up and running has been slower than we hoped with orders taking much longer to finish and ship than expected. But the feedback coming in has been wonderful! Marjory is obviously doing a great job on the finishing and she will eventually figure out a process that will let her work faster and more efficiently. Right now I think she is being extremely careful to put out a good product and with a fulltime day job, that takes time. When the happy emails started coming in, I was able to start letting go of that knot in my stomach and actually believe it's all going to work out there too.

I know that I'm not and never will be considered 'healed', but I feel like I am. It's more a healing of my spirit that I'm experiencing. Life totally turned upside down in this last year with both physical and emotional upheavals and it seems that so far, we have survived them. Everything changed and yet everything somehow remained the same. Strange. Life on the surface isn't much different...we go about the daily chores, make plans, try to move forward. On the inside though, we have been through quite a transformation and even though it was painful and frightening, it has been a very good transformation.

Mike will be heading back to Mexico on Thanksgiving day and won't be back home again until December 30th. That means this year he will have missed his birthday, Thanksgiving and Christmas at home. That's just the way it is in his business though and through the years we've gotten used to having holidays at odd times when he's actually home. Since he will be leaving on Thanksgiving, we will be having a mini-Thanksgiving with the folks we are creating the new center with. At least he will be getting a little bit of community to carry with him as he goes back to work.

Brillo is continuing to thrive to the point that he bucked in his pen yesterday morning as the Wild Boys ran and played. Then in the evening when I happened to go out and he thought maybe I might feed him, he came trotting up the slope of the orchard in a gorgeous, long floating stride. I can't wait to see how he moves in another month!

2009-11-15T10:16:00.000-08:00

Sunday Brillo update!

By about Wednesday, Brillo had finally filled up enough to take a break from non-stop eating and enjoy nap time with the other guys across the fence. He also started getting down and taking good scratchy rolls with great big shakes after he got up. This tells me his joints and body are starting to feel good! Rolling and shaking is one way horses have to get their spines and joints back into alignment.

We were supposed to have a snowstorm last night that ended up missing us so Brillo started wearing the canvas turnout rug that we got for Mio this last spring. With no body fat yet, he'll need some help when the temperatures are low.

Look at how much better he is looking in just one week of eating two and a half times what a normal horse his size would be eating!

When he got here, Brillo's back legs were so swollen you could barely see a difference from his hoof to halfway up his canon bones. Look how great they are now! We started putting his hay at the bottom of the slope in the orchard and his water is at the top which insures he goes up and down multiple times a day. This is keeping that fluid out of his legs and is helping to rebuild muscle.

He's even getting a round belly!

And still, one of the sweetest faces around.

And not to leave some of the other guys out, look at how round and wooly Mio is this winter. He's making sure he's never cold again!

But my favorite winter coat will always be Griton's. This is where his curly coated genetics shows through with lovely marcel waves down his spine and across his rump.

2009-11-11T06:07:00.000-08:00

He has a name, and...
we're being taken over by bays!!!

Yesterday Mike gave our newest family member a name. As you may have noticed, all of our horses have Spanish names. No particular reason for that other than Mike is fluent in Spanish and we both love the sound of words spoken in Spanish. We believe there is power in names, power in the way they cause us to perceive the bearer. Each name we choose is done so with care and thought about the horse who will carry it.

We wanted this new horse who had hit such a low in his life to be able to move into a space of light and health and beauty and so his new name is Brillo (Bree' yo) which in Spanish means 'brilliance, splendor, shinning'. I know people who don't speak Spanish, or aren't familiar with Spanish pronunciation, will think he is named after a scrubbing pad when they read it but that's okay, we and he will know he is named for what we know he is inside of that boney exterior, and for what he will soon be again.

I have never bought a horse based on color, even though I have always preferred a good bay, and I have never particularly cared for chestnuts (sorrels to you western folks). I've been neutral on greys and was never drawn to the flashy colors like paints and appaloosas. I always chose horses for who they were and color was secondary. Prior to now, my personal horses have consisted of three bays, three chestnuts and two blacks. I have to say that one of those chestnuts, whose coat shown with gold metallic glints in the light was pretty darn stunning. And my black horse, Star, was so deeply black that he never faded and he had a blue sheen in the sunlight. If I were to buy a horse strictly for color today, it would be a blue roan.

And here we are today with a herd of six...four of them bays and one grey and one grullo. Two of the bays, little 13 hand, crooked legged Valeroso, and dark bay Corazon, are not riding horses. Corazon, well, Corazon is something very special. I've not said this before outside of the family, but besides being our herd's wise and quiet leader, Corazon is a Medicine Horse.

I've referred to the years when I 'ran off with the Indians' and I promise that someday I really will tell that story and here is a very small part of it. I ran off because Corbin Harney, the spiritual leader of the Western Shoshone Nation, told me that my black horse, Star, was a Medicine Horse and that I wasn't allowing him to do his work and neither was I. That statement turned out to be a key pivotal point in my life where I changed everything. After being so closely bonded with a Medicine Horse and working with him at the center of a healing circle, you come to recognize that 'shine' in other horses as well.

The first time I saw Corazon he was in the middle of a pen of horses at a BLM auction and I knew instantly who he was, Corazon de la Tierra, 'Heart of the Earth' and another Medicine Horse. Mike and I were completely broke back then and there was no way we could take on the care of another horse so with a very heavy heart, we left him there. It took Star's unexpected death and several miracles to find Corazon at a long term holding facility in Carson City, Nevada in the middle of 600 other horses. But he was found and brought home to Star's Rest. Now Corazon does his own work of keeping balance in the herd and healing broken horses.

The other two bays are El Es Mio!, Mio for short, and now Brillo. Both of these bays will be part of the family but also part of the healing center horses. They are perfect for this in that they both are gregarious and truly like people and all of the attention they can possibly get. They will be safe horses for friends and guests to ride and they will be well loved by everyone who meets them.

Our two personal horses of our own hearts are Llego, Mike's grullo gelding from Colorado, and Griton, my own grey horse from Wyoming. Mike chose Llego, whose name means 'He Arrived', not because he is a stunning grullo with zebra and dorsal stripes, but because he came from the Sand Wash Basin in Colorado, where his own lost Cuervo came from, and because he has the same quiet and loyal nature.

My Griton, whose name is a nickname for someone who shouts a lot, came to us out of what I can only call spiritual guidance. I had no idea that I would fall in love with him the way I did, but I knew from the very beginning he had to come home with us. And here is something interesting I realized the other day, I'm as certain as I can be from seeing old photos of Griton from before we had him, that Griton started out life as a blue roan. And so I actually do have my blue roan, he is just disguised under the hair of a horse who is rapidly turning white.

Yesterday morning as I was driving to my acupuncture appointment, I realized that the herd feels right now, in balance somehow in a way it didn't before. The horses especially seem to know this and I'm sure it's why they have accepted Brillo so completely. Their exuberance at his arrival, with no aggression, showed it as well. He isn't a mustang, but he somehow completes the herd. When I came home and said this to Mike, he told me he had felt the same thing that morning, that Brillo has brought a balance to the herd.

So Brillo completes us and in exchange he will have his herd family, possibly something he has never had before. He will have his brothers, the Wild Boys, to teach him the ways of the mountain and to keep him safe. When he is strong again, healed in spirit by Corazon and in body by us, he will be able to run with his brothers and live life the way horses were meant to. It's a perfect new start for all of us.

2009-11-09T10:21:00.000-08:00

More photos added below! We have a new member of the Star's Rest Band!

We have been looking for calm, gentle horses for the new Center and I had found a listing near Edgewood for a ten year old, 16HH thoroughbred gelding who was kid and beginner safe. I had been exchanging emails with the owner and knew she had rescued him from a 'bad situation' and that he was underweight. When you live with horses as fat and sleek as ours are though, just how underweight a thoroughbred in a bad situation can get can be truly shocking.

He actually doesn't look too bad here but believe me, you can feel all of his bones.

I would guess he is about a 2 on the body condition index and that's after these kind folks had been feeding him and putting weight back on him. I don't know what I would have done if I had seen him earlier in the place he was rescued from. I might be in jail if I had.

Lots of ribs, spine and hip bones.

Mike and I didn't even need to discuss it and we could hardly write out the check and load him fast enough in order to get him home up here on the mountain. The amazing thing is he seems to be completely intact emotionally and mentally. Aside from being a bit pushy, his ground manners are excellent, he is easy to halter, hopped right in the trailer, hauled like a gentleman and backed off quietly. On top of that, he has one of the sweetest personalities I've ever met and loves being touched and visited with.

We'll be working to heal up pressure sores from an unpadded body trying to rest on the ground as well as some fungal skin infections.

He is pretty weak in his hindquarters from loss of muscle mass so we were worried about how well he would make the long trip home and the walk up the mountain. Fortunately he did fine and we settled him into the orchard last night where the footing is soft, no rocks, and a gentle slope that will help to rebuild his muscles. When I went out this morning to give him water, Umber the Ram was bedded down next to him and Mio was standing next to the fence keeping him company.

From now on, he'll have all the food, rest and safety he ever needs.

When we brought him in, I told the Wild Boys that he is under our protection and they needed to watch over him as well. Aside from the usual running around and high excitement, there has been no aggression at all, not even from Griton. They all seem to understand he needs time to recover and they have been happy to stay close and keep him company.

What a sweet face to have ever been treated so poorly.

From what I understand, his Jockey Club name was JJs Dreamer but of course, he will get a new name as part of the Star's Rest Band. Mike is in charge of that and I will let you know when he is officially christened. When I get his teeth checked, I'll look to see if he has a lip tattoo and if he does, I can get his racing record and who his breeder was and maybe find out more about him. In the meantime, his only job is to eat, rest, eat and heal. We are thankful that watchful people are willing to take on the rescue and recovery of abused or neglected horses and we are very happy to be part of this boy's recovery. I'll try to do a weekly update with photos so that you can see his progress.

NEWS FLASH! At 1:30 this afternoon, NB (New Boy) actually stopped eating and looked around!

He even walked over to start getting acquainted with Griton, who was unusually sweet.

And he got a lovely head rub from Mike.

Griton has been so well behaved, he got a good chest scratch.

2009-11-07T12:23:00.001-08:00

Just one of the horses.

Umber is doing great in his new solo life and spends the day 'hangin' with the Wild Boys'. Now that he gets his own bucket of feed in the mornings and evenings, he comes tearing down the slope like a giant, smelly furball on legs. It's pretty funny actually.

His comfort zone of approach has gone from about six feet down to about three feet now that he knows I'm carrying a bucket of food for him. My goal is to slowly narrow that down until I can rub his scruffy head for him. After that, a sheep halter and learning to lead. Followed by shearing and neutering in the spring which will hopefully reduce the fragrant 'sheep wind' that follows him around and keep him from getting aggressive. Though it's kind of hard to imagine Umber having the motivation to be aggressive. With Lilly no longer leading him around, he is proving to be pretty passive.

When the former owner came up last weekend we still had some snow on the ground and he told me that he had seen fresh bear tracks coming up our road, stopping at the gate, then following the fenceline up the mountain. I told him that's the first sign of bear being around here that we have ever seen and he said it was probably due to our dogs. I'm thinking that because it was such a dry summer, they probably didn't get enough to eat and came in closer to feed on the bumper apple crop most people had this year. Hopefully, this bear was heading up to find a long winter nap spot and we won't have any problems with him or her. It does make me more cautious about checking out the upper fence though!

And now some (mostly) peaceful breakfast scenes ~

That feeder is MINE!

2009-11-03T05:53:00.000-08:00

One Year Today ~ NED

No Evidence of Disease. One year ago today I was still living in a place of absolute, primal fear, waiting to go into surgery for WLE/SNB. Wide Lesion Excision/Sentinel Node Biopsy. Looking back it's hard to believe how numb I was with fear, blindly following whoever led me, obsessively reading everything I could find with my fear jacking up even further with every statistic, every treatment option, every notation of minimal survival rates.

And how am I today, a year after the last visible cancer cells were removed? I'm good. In fact, I'm really, really good. Cancer shook my life to the core and in the process shook everyone and everything around me too but we all weathered it and we are all still here.

Even though I now sit in this central place of peace, feeling more myself than I ever have before, I know that the knowledge of cancer will never leave me. It will be my constant reminder to live fully. To be present in each moment. To never compromise, or delay, or wait for 'a better time'. This is a very good thing and I imagine that only other people who have faced and gotten through a catastrophic place in their lives will completely understand when I say I'm grateful for this experience. Maybe I would have gotten here eventually without cancer, but I think I would have lost quite a few more years to inertia and emotional paralysis. So I will say it...I am grateful for the last year...every single moment of it. And I am grateful for this moment, and this moment, and this one.

A friend shared this yesterday and I would like to share it with you as well:

Message from a Hopi Elder
Oirabi, Arizona, Summer Solstice 1999

“You have been telling the people that this is the eleventh hour, now you must go back and tell the people this is the hour and there are things to be considered:

Where are you living? What are you doing? What are your relationships? Are you in right relation? Where is your water? Know your garden!

It is time to speak your truth, to create communities, to be good to each other and to not look outside of yourself for a leader…”

Then he clasped his hands together and laughed:

“This could actually be a good time! There’s a river flowing now, very fast. It is so great and swift that there are those who will be afraid. They will try to hold on to the shore. They will feel they are being torn apart and they will suffer greatly. Know that the river has a destination! The Elders say we must let go of the shore – push off into the middle of the river, keep our eyes open and our heads above water. See who is in there with you and celebrate!

At this time in history, we are to take nothing personal, least of all ourselves – for the moment we do that, our spiritual growth comes to a halt. The time of the lone wolf is over! Gather yourselves! Banish the word struggle from your attitude and vocabulary! All that we do now must be done in a sacred way and in celebration. We are the ones we’ve been waiting for!”

2009-11-01T10:11:00.000-08:00

I'm afraid the sheep news isn't good.

The complete flock as we first saw them in 2008.

For those who didn't read my update on the last post, the brand inspector called me on Friday and told me that our two neighbors at the bottom of the road had called him to complain about the sheep. That left him no choice but to contact their owner and tell him he had to remove them. He seemed genuinely sorry about this and told me he would stay in touch to let me know what happens to them. I told him Sienna was missing and he thought perhaps the owner had been able to catch her.

The little four horned ewe was killed by predators as she was trying to give birth and the black ewe was shot in the pasture next to the owner's house.

On Saturday morning, Lilly didn't come in either, just Umber looking sad and lonely. Shortly after, the sheep's real owner showed up, a very nice young man who doesn't live far from us. He told me there were originally five, as in the first photo above. They escaped shortly after he got them and he's been tracking them and trying to catch them ever since.

Umber and Sienna when she was just a yearling.

He told me the little four horned ewe was killed by predators of some kind while she was giving birth. He found her body up in the mountains. The little black ewe was shot by someone right in his own pasture next to his house during one of their migrations back to his land. That left the three that we have been harboring since last spring.

The matriarch and patriarch in better times.

With Lilly and Sienna both gone within a day of each other, it is most likely that someone who didn't like them became familiar with their routine and shot them as they passed by. It breaks my heart to think of that...I'd rather learn that they had been food for a mountain lion

Beautiful Lilly last summer.

The owner offered to give us the sheep but I told him as much as I wanted them, we had no pen to put them in. When I talked with Mike via email this morning (he is still in Mexico, back home on Wednesday), he said how sorry he was to hear what probably happened to the two ewes and would have built them a pen if he had known people would do that.

Little Sienna taken this last summer before neighbors began complaining about them.

We came up with a plan to get Umber to follow the horses into the arena and catch him there. But Lilly was the leader of the flock and since she has been gone, Umber hasn't left the horses. Mike and I agreed that we will make a pen for Umber and accept the owner's offer. At least one of them will be safe and how on earth could we ever separate these two friends?

2009-10-29T12:47:00.000-07:00

Oh where, oh where has my little sheep gone? Sheep update below!!!

Update! The brand inspector called me yesterday and told me our neighbors at the bottom of the hill had put in a complaint call about the sheep. He is a really nice guy and it was good of him to call and let me know what was going on. The owners of the sheep have been told they must contain them or be fined. I haven't heard for sure yet but the brand inspector thinks they already caught Sienna. Lilly and Umber will be lured into a pen with buckets of feed slowly moved into the catch spot. I will miss them terribly but at least they will be safe...until the next time they escape. He told me there were originally seven of them and two years ago when they first came through there were five, and now only three. It would be good if they stayed somewhere that they had constant protection.

It's looking like Sienna, the little brown and white ewe, might have come to a bad end. She has been missing since yesterday morning and even though I've looked for her, I've not found a trace. All three were here Tuesday evening eating hay with the horses as usual. Then yesterday morning only Lilly and Umber came in, looking tired, subdued, and more cautious than usual.

I drove around looking in neighbors' pens to see if she might have been caught but didn't see her anywhere. The most likely thing is that a pack of stray dogs separated her from the flock and took her down. I know people immediately want to blame these things on coyotes, but mountain coyotes aren't like the ones you see around cities at all. They are very small, about the size of a border collie, and very shy. They might occasionally take down a baby or weak animal, but no pack with other prey available would try to take down a full grown feral churro sheep.

Packs of stray dogs are a big hazard to livestock around here and several winters ago our neighbor in the valley lost three adult llamas and two alpacas in the same dog attack. It was after a heavy snowstorm and the dogs ran the animals into exhaustion in the snow and then slaughtered them. The neighbor tried to get to them on snowshoes with her gun but was too late.

The other less likely option is that a mountain lion has moved back onto this side of the valley. If that were the case, the horses would be showing concern, which they haven't. Since there isn't any livestock being raised on this side of the valley and no deer or elk, a mountain lion would fall way behind Sienna being shot by some neighbor.

Hopefully, it will turn out that she was just separated from the flock and she will show up on her own sometime soon.

2009-10-27T07:09:00.000-07:00

Nothing but snow, playful pups, and one horse!

Nothing like a snow bath...look at the steam coming off of him!

2009-10-26T07:04:00.000-07:00

Just a bit of the Mark Rashid clinic.

I’ve been trying to finish this for three days now! I thought I would have it up yesterday but I spent most of the day getting ready for an early fall snowstorm. Good thing I did because we’ve got about six inches of new snow this morning. Fortunately, I think that’s about all and it should be moving out today and I'll share photos tomorrow.

I wish that I could have audited all three days of the clinic because I’m sure I would have seen and heard a great deal more than I did in one short day. As it was, I got to see the foundation work for a number of horses and riders. One of the things that really impressed me about Mark was his ability to adjust his teaching style to suit the rider. One woman was a beginner who was obviously very nervous riding a tall, former three day event horse. The horse was actually very calm and quite kind to her in all ways. Mark was light and joking in his instructions which quickly put the woman at ease and even got her laughing.

Another rider was an older man riding western in the classic ‘feet pushed forward, sit on your pockets’ position. Mark was more straight forward with him, less joking, and corrected his position in a kind and diplomatic way by explaining how it limited his ability to communicate with his horse. I know as an instructor myself that it isn’t easy to quickly grasp how to approach an individual rider. Many adults become so analytical in their thinking that asking them to ‘feel’ something can be confusing and even frightening. Mark managed to easily shift from one approach to another so that each rider quickly became at ease and able to absorb the information.

Mike handing out treats to the inner circle of Griton, Corazon and Llego. All are formerly wild BLM mustangs. By respecting the herd structure, Mike can give rewards without crowding or fighting.

The thing that touched me the most deeply, and something Mark repeated over and over, is ‘consistency, dependability, trust, and peace of mind’. After I went to his website to check out his new book, “Whole Heart, Whole Horse: Developing Consistency, Dependability, Trust, and Peace of Mind between Horse and Rider”, I realized from the description that this idea is the focus of his new book.

J. R. (Jet Reknown) was my 'go everywhere, do anything, keep me safe' horse. He is 30 now and still safely carrying his rider on gentle trail rides after a career as a dressage horse, Pony Club horse and trail horse.

Hopefully, every one of us horse folks has had a horse in our lives who took care of us. One that we always knew would do what we expected, was aware of our needs, and that we could completely relax on. We loved those horses and grieved when they were gone. And maybe, some of us are still looking for another horse just like that. Can you imagine what it would be like for our horse if we were that same kind of trustworthy partner for them?

Corazon (BLM mustang from northern Nevada) is still semi-wild but I have built a level of trust with him that allows me to safely apply fly spray, trim his hooves and any other necessary care, all without restraint of any kind.

We expect consistency from our horses, but do we give it to them? Consistency should be part of everything we do with them from day to day handling, to ground work, to riding. I thought a lot about this and how it relates to our formerly wild boys. Everyone is amazed when they come over if it happens to be feeding time, at how well mannered the boys are. Even when I am here by myself and I come through the gate carrying five buckets, there is no crowding and no danger for me. Each horse has his own feeder and he is never fed in a different one. We respect the herd organization by always feeding them in the order they would feed themselves. As a result, when they see me come out with the feed cart, each horse goes and stands at his feeder waiting for me to make the rounds, no fighting, no skirmishes, just horses who have been consistently handled in a way they understand.

Mike has built such a deep level of trust with Llego (BLM mustang from northwestern Colorado) that he calmly trusts Mike's leadership in any new situation.

Take a moment to think about the people in your lives. Are some of them always consistent in arriving on time, in keeping agreements, in being fair and honest in their relationships? Aren’t those the people we always depend on in times of crisis? It’s the same for our horses. If we are consistent and fair in every aspect of their care, we become dependable to them. They know they can count on us to keep our agreement to make sure they are safe.

Valeroso is a Spanish Colonial mustang from southeastern New Mexico. He is checking out a backhoe after I showed him it was safe.

Consistency and dependability obviously lead to trust. The people in our lives that we know are dependable are the ones we trust with our dearest secrets, with our very lives if necessary. That’s just how it becomes with our horses. Because we have been consistent and dependable with our wild boys, they trust us if we say a situation or an object is safe. When we were having our arena built, I took the boys around and touched each piece of heavy equipment which is our signal that something is safe. After that, any time a backhoe or bulldozer was left standing, you can bet it had five mustangs going over every inch of it!

When Griton (BLM Wyoming mustang) came to me, he was terrified of being saddled and if you got a saddle on him, he was even more afraid of being mounted. After slow, careful trust building, he calmly accepts both now. This photo was taken in early 2008 when I was just ready to begin riding Griton and before cancer brought our work to a halt.

And of course, trust leads to peace of mind, for both us and our horses. If we can become trust worthy to our horses, and they to us, then everyone can relax in a partnership where safety isn’t in doubt. I thought about this in regards to my relationships with Griton and with Mio. I’ve had almost five years to build a relationship with Griton. I helped him to overcome abuse and great fear of both saddles and being ridden. I’ve been consistently dependable and trustworthy for him for an extended period of time now. As a result, together we share peace of mind. I feel a deep sense of trust and connection with Griton, and he with me.

Mio (Navajo Reservation mustang) may look calm in this photo but he was actually quite anxious to be in a new place with strange horses so soon. I had not taken the time yet to build a foundation of trust with him so that he could feel safe with me in a new situation.

Mio has been here only eight months. He made a complete change in environment moving from the heat and wide open spaces of Arizona, to the forest shrouded mountains of northern New Mexico. I discovered that in spite of his gregarious nature with humans, he is actually a quite insecure horse. If he approaches the water trough by himself, he does it with great caution. He slowly moves towards it with many pauses to look, listen, smell and assess the surroundings before he finally moves in to drink. He is afraid of new horses and will act defensively towards them.

It should have been no surprise to me that when I trailered Mio to a neighbor’s after only four months here, no trust built between us and me having lost my own confidence, that he reacted with fear and anxiety. I have not yet laid that ground work of consistency and dependability so what reason did he have to think he could trust me to lead him in a new situation with horses he didn’t know?

I think many of us know these things intuitively and our relationships with our horses show it. Thinking about it on a conscious level is a bit different though. I’m sure there are people out there who won’t agree with the idea that our horses deserve the same consideration as we do ourselves and those are most likely the ones who believe they must be ‘the boss’ to their horses at all times. That approach works for a lot of people because what they want is a horse who is an obedient servant.

Hey look Carmon! It's a bulldozer...cool!

The world seems to be slowly shifting into a different way of looking at horses and I’m so grateful to people like Mark Rashid who are able to communicate these ideas well in ways that even hardcore cowboys seem to get. For most of us, horses are no longer an essential part of working life. We don’t use them for our sole means of transportation. I for one don’t have a herd of animals I’m trying to move from one place to another with my horse, though I might give that a try with the sheep one of these days! Somehow I think that in spite of being mustangs, not one of our horses could compete with a feral churro sheep up here on a rocky mountain.

The point is, for most of us these days our horses are a luxury and a passion. What we want is a partnership that brings us personal and emotional satisfaction. We want our horses to be fun. When I think about the best and most lasting friendships that I’ve built in my life, the ones I could always count on, trust my life to, laugh with and cry with in safety; those friendships didn’t happen in a single day. They happened over time, often years. That’s how my partnership with Griton happened and that is how it will happen with Mio as well - consistency, dependability, trust and peace of mind.

2009-10-23T08:54:00.000-07:00

Hmmmmm...thinking again.

Hiding

Okay I was planning to write about what I learned at the Mark Rashid clinic, and I will talk about some of it today and more tomorrow. For Sossity who asked in a comment yesterday, I realized that I am not physically ready for the demands of a three day clinic, plus driving 100 miles back and forth each day to take care of all of the chores here with Mike still working in Mexico right now. So I dropped out as a rider and made it to the first day as an auditor.

When I got there in the morning and watched the first two riders, I was really wishing I had stayed in. But when I found myself exhausted by 3:00 I knew I had made the right decision at this time. It took me all day Monday to recover, just as it takes me the entire following day to recover from each of those whole day oncology visits.

I've talked with both my counselor and my oncology doctor about the fatigue levels I've been experiencing and they both agree it's a normal part of this whole cancer process. I've been living in a state of fear for a year now...adrenaline being constantly dumped into my system, body in a total flight state. Now that I've passed a first milestone, my mind, emotions, my spirit and my body are beginning to let down and come out of the fear fog.

What has happened is my reserves have been completely used up and now that adrenaline is no longer keeping me running, the exhaustion of the last year has set in. My blood work and scans all show that I am healthy, just used up. Right now I'm requiring about ten hours of sleep each night and more after one of those big days. It's time for me to just respect that and give my body what it needs without fighting it.

So what does this have to do with Mark Rashid? He has become a black belt in Akidio and he talked a lot about breathing, centering and core strength. He explained that in our current culture, we all stay in a state of anxiety and since we are mostly 'chest breathers', meaning breathing shallowly into our upper chest only, we never have a chance to reset that fear state. Chest breathing is like the rapid panting that comes with fear or flight so breathing that way keeps us in a flight state and as a result, our horses stay there too.

What he said made perfect sense to me about the state I have been in for the last year and about the loss of confidence I experienced in riding. I have been very stuck in a flight mode. I've done a lot of Kundalini Yoga which focuses on breathing, especially breathing from the diaphragm. I probably breathe more correctly than most people do and I remember when we moved up to this altitude, it was what kept me going until I adjusted to the lower oxygen levels.

Since the clinic, I've been keeping myself more conscious of my breathing and trying to create the habit of breathing from my diaphragm all of the time...belly breathing is what I call it. I do feel calmer and perhaps getting a better oxygen supply into my body will help me to recover.

What else was I thinking about...oh yes...somewhere in between yesterday's pretty much non-stop recovery napping I realized another thing about this one year milestone. I've been unconsciously waiting for the other shoe to drop. It isn't that it might not still drop, just that I'm beginning to not feel as hesitant about making plans and moving forward. It may look like I've done a lot of moving forward, after all, I spent the last two weeks of September completely rebuilding Black Horse Design to get it up and running again by October first. I'm working with an incredible group of people to make something even more incredible happen than our single-ness could ever have created.

Good things have been happening in a steady flow but there has been something in me holding back. I'm beginning to feel that hard clutched place of internal fear that I wasn't even aware of, letting go and maybe that means it will be easier to get myself moving now. Rest. Pacing myself. Breathing right. Stepping outside of fear. Sounds like a much better way to spend a winter than last year was.

Someone else asked about the sheep ~ they're still here and doing fine. They show up every evening at feeding time to drink and try to steal the horses' food. I'm sure as winter progresses, they will become more dependant on us for hay which is fine. I enjoy having them around and the horses seem to as well, expect when they have to defend their dinner.

2009-10-22T06:57:00.000-07:00

Making Small Advances

I know I haven't been around much lately and it's mostly due to the two week anxiety of my oncology appointments which are finally done. Also, my brother, his wife and one of their sons came to visit from Texas last week. I hadn't seen them since Mike and I moved away from Texas in 2002 and it was definitely time to catch up with everyone.

Yesterday was my oncology and dermatology appointments which wrapped up this round of cancer exams. We were treated to an early fall snowstorm that left fifteen inches not far from us and even though it was too warm to stick here, it was coming down steadily all morning and most of the way to Albuquerque.

First was my 'check your modesty at the door' dermatology exam. Trust me, if you are modest, you won't be after one of these exams. Just imagine stripping down and having a man examine every inch of your skin ( yes, every inch) up close and personal with a hand held scanning device.

The good news about that is after checking my skin for a year now and seeing no sign of changes in any of the moles or growths, (I believe the words used were 'old and stable', sort of like me) my dermatologist said he was ready to stretch exams out to every other oncology visit.

Next I saw my kind and thoughtful oncologist who went over my PET/CT scans again, checked all of my lymph nodes (an uncomfortable probing into my underarms, groin and neck regions) and an all over check up. Everything is completely normal and that S-100 B protein marker that was elevated last time was not only back down, it was sub-normal. Since this protein is shed by nerve cells, I think that is due to the Cymbalta reducing neuropathy levels so much.

Now that I've gone a year since diagnosis with no changes in PET/CT scans, no changes in lymph nodes, skin or blood work, she told me we would be moving our visits from three month to four month intervals and PET/CT scans from six month to eight month intervals. A small graduation!

I finally asked her the question that I can't believe I never asked previously in the last year and that is, what would the next step be if I have recurrence and it isn't operable. On the melanoma boards I'm on I see people being treated very aggressively who are staged lower than I am. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad I'm at a world class cancer center that believes in being more conservative with non-metastatic melanoma; but the 'what if' question is still there.

Her answer surprised me a bit because most of what I read about are the really big cancer centers like MD Anderson in Houston. Of course I read up about every treatment being used and I didn't really expect to hear that little UNM Cancer Research Center is using front edge protocols. She told me that for first level metastases they are using either a vaccine or carbo taxol triple cocktail chemotherapy. Both are well tolerated and effective in many people with the goal of reducing tumor size in order to surgically remove it. Their second level treatments are of course more aggressive and difficult for the patient to manage but I don't need to think of that right now.

You might wonder why I need to know these things and it's because for me, information gives me a sense of control in my life. If I know what to expect, then I don't have to be afraid. I read every study that gets published and I know there are some promising treatments on the horizon that should be approved for use in the next couple of years. In the meantime, I have one year down of those first three critical years for Stage III melanoma. Now I can get back to livin' life well until next February when I go back for blood work and exam again.

Tomorrow I'm going to try to get the time and energy to write about auditing the Mark Rashid clinic which was both exciting and inspiring.

2009-10-16T14:21:00.000-07:00

And the news is good! Clean scans!!!

My oncologist just emailed me that all is well and she included the entire report for me to read. There were a few little abnormalities noted that I will ask her what they mean, but absolutely nothing that looks like cancer. Everyone...take a deep breath in with me...now let it out...WHEW! And back to life as usual until the next round of exams. So on to the post I had planned for today!

Mio did wonders for me to help me regain my confidence and Mike even got up on him the last time he was home. I think Mio will be able to help him get some experience and confidence too. But my heart still belongs to Griton.

Last spring I gave up hope of Griton being sound long enough for me to ever be able to ride him, which is why I went on a search for a riding horse that ended in Mio. That was all before we found our fantastic barefoot trimmer though. Gene began working with Griton's feet last March and he has been sound ever since and just keeps getting stronger and better.

I helped Griton to heal from his history of abuse and multiple injuries and I feel in my heart that he has the desire to help me to heal as well. Without saying much about it, I have begun to work with Griton again this last week and our mutual joy in that is obvious. Due to all of my health issues and then his, Griton hasn't had a saddle on in about eighteen months. Today I took his saddle out and tacked him up without any issues at all. And this from the horse who could be a mile away if he just saw you carrying a saddle.

Then we went down to the arena and did some lunge work and let him try out walking in his new hoof boots. Because his hooves are pretty fragile due to his old injury, I decided to keep him in boots to protect them. I have to say, other than a bit of hesitancy from the boots, it was as though we had done this just yesterday.

I even worked him over ground poles, which is something I try to do in order to keep his stifles strong since they were injured too. That was a non-event as well. I have never had a horse who wants to work and connect as much as Griton does. He is always looking to me to see if I'm pleased and to make sure he's doing everything right.

The last thing I did was how I always close each session, we stood next to the mounting block with me standing beside and above him. When we got him, Griton was terrified of having a rider on his back due to abuse. When we left off in early 2008, he was completely relaxed about having me lean over him while saddled in preparation for actual mounting. I had already been getting on him bareback but the saddle had added another level of fear back into the equation that needed to be resolved.

Today we got back to that same place of deep relaxation, even with his human companion leaning above and across his saddled back. Soon, I will be sitting on his broad, safe back again. When it was time to stop, Griton didn't want to leave the arena. My friend who went with me on Wednesday had been talking about the need to be 'mindful' during every step of working with a horse, and to ask what is causing a behavior, rather than just pushing them through it. The answer for Griton was, he didn't want to be done today. He doesn't want me to disappear like I did a year ago and even more, he doesn't want me riding someone else. I went back to him, cuddled and skritched him, and assured him we will work every day that the weather is fair. He gave a big sigh, and we headed back up together to untack. I'm glad I have another six months to think only of those around me who make life worthwhile.

2009-10-15T17:07:00.000-07:00

Well, that part's over!

Sharing.

It was a gruelingly long day yesterday, made much lighter by the company of my friend who drove me down and back and acted as my 'keeper' helping me to get from point A to point B. I'm still feeling very off from all of the chemicals pumped into my body so I'm not writing much right now. Other than a few chores, I spent most of the day resting.

I've emailed my oncologist asking her to let me know the results of the scans as soon as she can and I'll share that when I hear back. Thank you all for your words of support...it makes it all so much easier.

2009-10-13T07:18:00.001-07:00

Tomorrow's the day.

Well, tomorrow I go for my six month PET/CT scan and today is my 'low carb/high protein' diet day. Yuck. I'm not a very good carnivore and eating mostly protein makes me feel poisoned. Not great when I'm still trying to adjust to cymbalta and drastically reducing the amount of tramadol I take. I thought I could go all day yesterday without taking any because I felt almost normal and about 90% pain free. Wrong. Around nine last night I got hit with extreme nausea again along with extreme nerve pain under my arm and radiating out. So, back to the tramadol last night and this morning. I guess this tells me I will have to find a balance between the two of them.

In a few minutes I'll be scrambling myself some eggs...just that, scrambled eggs. No toast, no juice, just eggs. In the past I've been more creative and made an omelet but this morning I'm still feeling too off to take that kind of trouble. I'm hoping that eating some bland eggs will help to settle my stomach. Maybe I'll make an omelet for lunch. I'll carry around string cheese and nuts to snack on and I'll rotisserie a chicken for dinner. The best part of dinner will be a real treat I got for myself, artichokes. They are on the low carb list and I absolutely love them. My brother and his wife turned up from Texas for a visit last night and since he is insulin resistant from exposure to agent orange in Vietnam, having dinner here for him will fit right in.

So why the diet? Cancer cells uptake sugar faster than normal cells because one of the characteristics of cancer is rapid cell division. By getting my glucose levels very low and making those cells hungry, when they inject me with the radioactive sugar trace tomorrow, if there are any cancer cells dividing they will take up that trace as fast as they can which will show up on the scan as a hot spot.

I'm feeling better about all of this right now than I was a week or so ago, mostly because my counselor helped me to identify what I was really afraid of. If I think too much about the possibilities, of course I feel that deep primal fear. So instead I focus on the process and getting through each step of the scan. Because I've been more anxious than usual about this one, I'm going to email my oncologist and ask her to either email me or call with the results so that I can either rest easy, or be prepared to talk about 'next steps' when I see her on the 21st.

So there you have it, living my life in three month segments. With full emphasis on the living part.